Parenting is difficult!

I know that this may seem to be a simple statement, but it is true - parenting is difficult! In fact, parenting may well be the most difficult job that adults will ever undertake. In the pursuit of raising healthy children, parents must take responsibility for themselves and for their children, monitor their parenting style, and maintain self-awareness in order to successfully regulate the emotional environment of the family. However, in this busy world, it is easy for us to be diverted from the basic aspects of nurturing our children.

In my book, "For All Things A Season," I discuss ten essential points that are important in childrearing and parenting. Keeping these points in mind can provide all parents with valuable tools to use in the process of preparing the soil and watering the garden in which our children grow.

Point #1: Most historical parenting methods are ineffective.
Books, videos, CD's and DVD's abound, competing to become market leaders and acknowledged experts in "How to Raise Children." Many of these present "easy tips" for parenting, or describe scenarios in which, with a few well-chosen words or the application of an simple-to-use technique, all the troubles of the day are set to rest, and misbehavior (on the part of children or parents) will cease. The truth is that there is no such thing as "easy" when it comes to parenting. The thoughtful parent is encouraged to consider their own responsibilities and abilities to manage stress in the family and in interactions with their children, and then to make a commitment to remaining open to the feelings of their children and themselves - not just for a week or two, but over time.

Next post, we'll discuss Point #2.


Have a blessed day.

Using Homework and Bedtime As Bonding Activities

Too often, children spend the entire day (8 hours) experiencing the same kind of stress at school that their parents do at work -- and then they are sent home with another several hours of homework! By doing homework with your child, you are offering to spend time with him and you are communicating that his daily activities, stresses, and school requirements are important to you.

Another great way to bond with your child is at bedtime. One of the most natural and regular opportunities for gathering a family together is in the family bed. Unfortunately, in the United States at least (and in other Western countries as well), society has moved away from shared sleeping arrangements toward the rather rigid supposition that children must learn to sleep by themselves as soon as possible. In fact, bonding through physical proximity, touching, holding each other and sleeping together is a basic human need, particularly for children.

Many parents want to know when it is appropriate for a child to begin sleeping by herself. The answer is, whenever it is natural for the parent or for the child to separate. Often, children will ask for their own beds, recognizing that it is a step toward "getting bigger." If it is the parent who decides that the child may no longer sleep with them, it is important to gradually transfer the child from the adult bed to the child's bed. When you put your child to bed, you must go to his bed with him. "Tucking the child in" with expressions of affection and an easy-going, relaxed attitude can create a happy time for the child. Telling stories, reading, or singing a song that is gentle and soothing will help him to feel comfortable and secure. Stay close to him until he is asleep, and then come back to your own bed. Leaving a night light on is important in case he awakens during the night and chooses to come back to your bed. At that point, simply walk him back to his bed and soothe him to sleep.

The time spent with your child at bedtime strengthens the bond between you by helping him to become more relaxed about sleeping, knowing that you are there for him if he should need you, and enabling everyone to have a good night's rest.

I hope that this discussion will help you to discover daily ways to bond with your child and build a strong foundation of family security, love, and acceptance.

Have a blessed day.

Families and Bonding Activities

Good Monday on this fall morning. Well, now that summer has passed us by, and we're back to the busy activities of the school year, I've been thinking about some of the best ways for families to connect in this ever-increasing hectic world of ours. I have three essential bonding activities that I would like to discuss.

In order for families to bond together and create the profound sense of security and belonging that a close family creates, it is important to spend time together. Researchers have told us that one of the primary determinants of the closeness of relationships is what is known as "proximity" - literally being physically close to one another. Parents and their children are no different. Indeed, becoming aware of the opportunities that life provides to "gather stones together" makes for a richer and deeper experience in the family, and provides times that all can work and learn together. Some of these times - and the benefits that thoughtful utilization of them can offer - are discussed below.

Chores
"Do you chores." If, like most of us, those words bring back memories of a childhood when chores were uniformly negative, then you must consciously choose to recreate the concept of daily tasks, transforming them into an opportunity for training your children in the skills they will need to become healthy adults. "Training" in this sense refers not only to teaching specific values and skills, but also to the interaction between the teacher and the student - the parent and the child. Doing chores provides children with a sense of responsibility and cooperation. Since all children are not equally skilled or self-confident in the way they approach household tasks, parents should be willing to work alongside their child to get chores done when it seems that the child is struggling.

One of the benefits of giving regular chores to children is that they create a natural structure in the home, and throughout the passage of the week. Knowing that certain tasks have to be done, and knowing when they are to be done (and why) teaches children much about the process of constructing our days in a positive and ordered manner. Also, doing chores teaches children that there are certain things in life that must be attended to before a reward is received. In this way, children learn to delay gratification while at the same time developing a healthy self-image that enables them to select and complete tasks with confidence, knowing that gratification will come after time.

What can parents do to help children get the most out of their chores? One of the most important things a parent can do is "pitch in" and help the child do the chore. Parental involvement should not be an excuse for our response to unwillingness of the child to work on daily tasks, but it can provide an opportunity to spend time together, to learn, to communicate, and to train the child in the basic requirements of life.

Next time, we'll discuss Homework as a bonding activity.

Have a blessed day.

Evaluative Behavior

Communicating your own value system to your child is a part of good parenting. Pointing out good and bad behavior creates within your child a sense of right and wrong, or what I think of as the Internal Morality Measuring Stick. Teaching children what is good and bad, right and wrong, gives rise to their own ability to evaluate their behavior, and ability that otherwise may develop poorly, if at all. The Internal Morality Measuring Stick is a determinant of how our children will behave not only as children, but as adults. It is vital that parents understand that their actions will determine the way their children act toward their future children.

Evaluating behavior begins at birth and remains an ongoing process in parenting. Parents must evaluate their behavior and the behavior of others for them because they are otherwise unable to develop their own Morality Stick. For example, when watching a television show with a child, it is important to point out behavior that is "bad" or "mean" or "wrong." For this reason, parents should always watch television with their children because otherwise children have no way to evaluate what they are seeing. (Choosing the content to which their children will be exposed is equally important; select educational programming rather than violent "action heroes.") In the same way, parents should evaluate the music their children are listening to, the sites they are going to on the Internet, and the games they are playing, and should do so in a manner that makes clear to the child whether these things are "bad" or "good," and why. Children will process what they have been told and then will begin to apply it to other things and people in their lives.

So, to recap this series - communication takes a conscious and committed effort by parents, but is worth every moment.

As I discuss in For All Things A Season, "Your children need you to communicate to them about who they are, how they are doing, and what you think and feel they need to be doing. They need you to make eye contact with them because they really do care what you have to say. As the parent, you need to feel that what you have to say is important, and then your children will feel it too. Evaluate their world for them. They will feel safer with you looking out for them."

Click here for a PDF version of this series.

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Have a blessed day.

Communicating Your Love to Your Child

This should come as no surprise that taking the time to tell your child how much you love him is one of the most meaningful things you can do. Stopping at the beginning or in the middle of a busy day and simply speaking the words, "I love you," can fill his day with warmth and fullfillment, provide a deep feeling of security, and lift his spirits and self-worth, which is necessary in order for your child to develop a healthy self-image.

Equally important in the expression of affection is the powerful medium of touch. Non-verbal communication - taking a child into your arms, giving an unexpected hug to your teenager, reaching out to touch your child on the arm or shoulder as she passes you in the kitchen - all of these re-establish a deep and meaningful level of communication between parent and child that is too easily lost in the hustle and bustle of our busy days.

Parents must make a thoughtful, conscious committment to demonstrate to their children, both verbally and nonverbally, that they are loved and cherished on each and every day. Reminding your child how important he is, how special to you, how much happiness he brings to you, will make him feel valued and wanted. Giving him lots of hugs, eye contact, back rubs, and kisses are healthy demonstrations of affection that are very important to raising a self-secure, strong and responsible child.

The last component of better parenting and communication is learning how to best express your own value system to your child, and I will explore this next time.


Have a blessed day.

Expressing Needs and Feelings

Once you begin communicating to your childen what you need - eye contact, listening to you, picking up their room, etc., they will soon be able to express their needs to you. It is important that we hear our children when they express their needs, and acknowledge them. Children who become mistrustful that their needs will be heard or met become less and less likely to expres them.

Like other aspects of communication, expressing needs requires time, work, and conscious effort. For example, when working to express needs or feelings, sometimes it is important to use phrases such as "I need" or "I feel." When you express a need to your child, do not let him ignore you or the need; instead, ask him whether he has heard you and understands what you have said - in other words, make it clear that you expect him to acknowledge your need or feeling and that he understands it. In return, when your child expresses to you that she is very mad, do not respond defensively; rather, restate the sentence - "You are really mad; please tell me about it." This validates how the child feels and allows you to tune into her anger and find out why she is angry."

Next posting, we'll talk about how to better communicate affection to your child.

Have a blessed day.

The Importance of Sharing Your Feelings

So Monday has come around again. I hope that you all found the weekend to be enjoyable and were able to set aside some restful time to carry you through the week. In continuing with my series on Parenting and Communication, I have some ideas to discuss regarding how to better share your feelings with your child and improve your child's communication with you.

If a child does not know how you are feeling, then he cannot reciprocate to create a positive mutual exchange. This type of exchange is necessary to create a deeper understanding between parent and child that enables you to acknowledge and support each other's feelings. The absence of reciprocity can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and a reluctance to live in touch with emotions.

Communicating feelings effectively means sharing feelings that are both positive and negative. If a parent only communicates positive feelings to a child, then the child will not be able to develop a sensitivity to negative emotions. Conversely, if a parent only speaks about their emotions when they are angry, fearful, or frustrated, the child will not learn how to experience or express their own positive feelings.

Once again, it is the parent who is responsible. Parents who are aware of their feelings and are comfortable with expressing them will open the door to communicating with their children about the emotional state of the child. As the child sees the emotional state of the parent, he will learn that there is nothing to fear in emotions, and that they are a natural part of human relationships. Parents who choke off their own feelings are likely to encourage their children to do the same. Children who respond by not expressing their own emotions lose the opportunity for emotional reciprocity - that is, they lose the opportunity to learn that others care for them and understand their feelings. The sharing of our emotional lives in a manner that is appropriate and balanced and encourages emotional expression and understanding in the family is one of the best things a parent can do for a child.

Next discussion - expressing your needs and teaching your child how to express his.

Have a blessed day.